At first I was afraid,
I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches
Lord, I almost died.
But I’d spent o’ so many nights
just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong,
And I knew that I could take you on. . .

But there you are,
Another lie!
I was ready for a Big Mac
and you’ve brought me a French fry.
I should have known it was so small,
Just a sad pathetic dream,
have known there was no Anaconda
lurking in those jeans.

Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Don’t you promise me 10 inches
then turn up with only 4,
Weren’t you a jerk to think I wouldn’t notice it pop out, Don’t you
know we’re only joking when we say size doesn’t count?

I will survive,
I will survive,
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life’s gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex.
I will survive,
I will survive. . hey, hey!

It took all my self control
not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener
standing small and proud.
But too bad about your ego
and to Hell with all your needs!
Now I’m saving all my lovin’
for a cordless multispeed

Go on now go,
Just make a dash,
Last time I saw a dick that small
I was treating nappy rash.
I should have asked for confirmation,
Should have asked for pictures, please!
Then I wouldn’t have you waving that
wee winkie thing at me.

Go on now go,
Just hit the track,
Don’t you bring me home no little worm,
I’ll always throw them back.
The only thing that I could do with a
dick as small as that,
Is to stick it with a tooth pick
And then feed it to the cat!

I will survive,
I will survive,
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life’s gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex.
I will survive,
I will survive. .hey, hey!

Go on now go,
Get out of my sight,
I’m going back to my appliance,
Cuz I know its length is right,
And if I ever see your tiny pecker peckin’ at my door, You’ll be
counting your 4 inches as you pick them off the floor.

Go on now Go!

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances,” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The man looked horrified and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!” “Well,” said the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her; I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No,” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.” The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”

When eye strike a quay,
I weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar wright
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.

I’ve run this poem threw it
I’m shore your pleased two no,
Its letter perfect in it’s weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

1. know anything about a car except its colour

2. understand a film plot

3. go 24 hours without sending a text message

4. lift

5. throw

6. run

7. park

8. fart

9. read a map

10. rob a bank

11. resist Ikea

12. sit still

13. tell a joke

14. play pool

15. pay for dinner

16. eat a kebab whilst walking

17. pee out of a train window

18. argue without shouting

19. get told off without crying

20. understand fruit machines

21. walk past a shoe shop

22. make a decent bacon sandwich

23. not comment on a strangers clothes

24. use small amounts of toilet paper

25. let you sleep with a hangover

26. drink a pint gracefully

27. get a round in

28. throw a punch

29. do magic

30. like your friends

31. enjoy porn

32. eat a really hot curry

33. get to the point

34. buy plain envelopes

35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet

36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying “I’m cold”

37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates

38. avoid credit card debt

39. dive into a pool

40. assemble furniture

41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb

42. set a video recorder

43. not try and change you

44. watch a war film

45. understand why flirting results in violence

46. spend a day by themselves

47. go to the toilet by themselves

48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket

49. choose a video quickly

50. read this list without having argued with at least 1 point

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

How to speak about MEN and be politically correct:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

10. He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR

If you receive an email entitled “Badtimes”, delete it IMMEDIATELY. do not
open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase  everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your
credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.

It will program your phone auto-dial premium rate numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR
TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING!

It will drink all your beer. FOR GOD’S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting
company. It will replace your shampoo with hair remover, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is
only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files.

If the “Badtimes” message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

********* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN ********

And if you don’t send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you’ll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
“Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?”
She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.”
He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s £5. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt up over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
“Sweet mudder of Jasus, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?”
She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.”
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love of God, and the sake of decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”

 
“Where does poo come from?” she asks.

 
The father, feeling a little anxious that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions, thinks for a moment and says:

 
“Well you know we just ate breakfast?”

 
“Yes,” answers the girl.

 
“Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottom when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.”

 
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks…

“And Tigger?”

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm and the congregation looked pleased as they left.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
 
1. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

2. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

3. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

4. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

5. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

6. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

8. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

9. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

10. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”

11. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”

12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub.”

13. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

“I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league” - Mark Viduka

“Alex Ferguson is the best manager I’ve ever had at this level. Well, he’s the only manager I’ve actually had at this level. But he’s the best manager I’ve ever had.” - David Beckham

“If you don’t believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.” - Neville Southall

“I’ve had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.” - Paul Gascoigne

“I’ve never wanted to leave. I’m here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.” - Alan Shearer

“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.” - Mark Draper

“You’ve got to believe that you’re going to win, and I believe we’ll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we’re knocked out.” - Peter Shilton

“I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don’t want to leave Leicester.” - Stan Collymore

“I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.” - Ade Akinbiyi

“Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.” - Ian Wright

“I’m as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.” - Ugo Ehiogu

“Leeds is a great club and it’s been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.” - Jonathan Woodgate

“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.” - Stuart Pearce

“I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.” - Lee Hendrie

“I couldn’t settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.” -Ian Rush

“Germany are a very difficult team to play…they had 11 internationals out there today.” - Steve Lomas

“I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.” - Barry Venison

“I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet.” - David Beckham

“The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European.” - Phil Neville

“All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.” - Mitchell Thomas

“One accusation you can’t throw at me is that I’ve always done my best.” - Alan Shearer

“I’d rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.” - Johnny Giles

“Sometimes in football you have to score goals.” - Thierry Henry.

“He was one inch away from nudging it home, that’s what happens when you’re near the bottom” - Football commentator on ‘Match of the day’ two weeks ago.